The Herbal Remedies

You want some drugs you say? Well, I think I can help you out.

I can’t provide you with any of those clumsy designer drugs you kids are taking nowadays. Those are illegal and unhealthy. No, no, you wouldn’t ever want to smoke marijuana or “the chronic” as you call it, and the cocaine is very bad for the humours.

No, what you want are my all-natural, herbal remedies. They will take the edge off of your consciousness without disturbing your health in any way. Come in to my office, I’ll show you.

See this jar full of powder? I know what you’re thinking and no that isn't mustard powder. No my friend, that’s not nearly as delectable as mustard. It’s actually ground parrot beak, and it tastes as bitter as the bile, but if you mix it with honey it goes down smooth.

Believe it or not parrots’ beaks contain many feel-good properties you kids normally associate with your drugs, but parrot beaks are very good for your bones, making them strong and healthy. When you ingest the beak, almost immediately waves of euphoria wash over your body. You feel as though you could pick your feet off the ground, flap your arms and fly away. You have all the sensations of a parrot: you hunger for small fruits and nuts, you communicate by nasal squawks, and bright colors will make you want to mate. But I warn you, do not drive after ingesting parrot beak for at least two hours. The wheels, buttons and pedals will confuse and anger you, ruining the affect.

Next on the shelf is one of my personal favorites. It might look like a flower to you, but it’s actually a tiny society of sea creatures that are, as of yet, unknown to modern science. I call them rose crabs. And believe me, I don't use the word society disingenuously. They are endemic to the warm waters of Southern Bali, and they build elaborate, flower shaped sand castles to live in. All you have to do is sprinkle them in your hair and sit back. You see, these tiny little creatures will burrow through your scalp and into your brain.

I see you cringing, but don’t worry, they’re not parasites, and in fact, they are actually quite good for you.

After they crawl into your scalp they will find the small pores in your skull then pass through them. When they enter your brain you will feel a tingling sensation all over your body for about three to five minutes, this will be followed by a mild euphoria which will eventually transition into a sensation that I can only describe as “neurologically unctuous.”

You see, these tiny creatures make you very, very smart for a very short time. When they enter your brain you will understand things even the most brilliant of humans could not possibly comprehend. You will see time and space and the universe as a tiny filament. All of the knowledge of learned men will be the dancing of bees and all of the sciences will be insignificant.

Unfortunately, the affects of the rose crabs last only about five minutes. They will become bored with your tiny cerebrum and will exit your scalp to return to their chrysanthemum castles. Even worse, you won’t be able to remember or fathom anything that you understood mere minutes before.

Don’t bother writing anything down when the rose crabs control your brain either. When you return to your nominal state you will see that you have filled volumes, indeed, often tomes, but they will be meaningless to you. As meaningless as the rantings of a mad man. I have spend many years racking my brain over those esoteric ramblings.

And moving on, here I have…Could you repeat that, I'm hard of hearing? You want to see what’s in the cabinet? I’m not so sure that’s a good idea, that remedy is far too potent for most people to withstand. You insist you say? Well alright, I suppose I can show you. But know this, the affects of this remedy are garnered simply by gazing upon it. It is the most potent of all the known herbal remedies. It is said this drug is responsible for the dominion of humans over the other animals. It is responsible for all society, all culture, all knowledge and technology. The inventiveness of mankind is due to this drug.

But, then again, it may have no affect on you whatsoever.

Before I open the door heed this warning, men have been ruined by looking at what you are about to see. They have been driven mad simply from the sight of it.

Knowing this, do you still want to see it? All right then, you shall.